I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Is this you?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD