GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
emergency phone
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up