#have a #great #PancakeDay
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*frowns in Scottish*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Thinking about Jeff
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to