Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”