Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Trains are just sideway elevators.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I’d … I’d rather not.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.