I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
You Might Also Like
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG