never forget
You Might Also Like
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”