due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.