*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No