you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You Might Also Like
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”