“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
do horses think humans are hats
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.