Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
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May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.