I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.