I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m not lazy
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing