[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.