Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.