buys donuts instead
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
#inspiration #foodforthought
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*