Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”