Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.