Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I know a bad idea when I see one.