The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”