“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Does it…does it take 3 days
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.