wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.