My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
some Old Testament wisdom
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill