Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Feel. He’s so soft.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.