That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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Thrilling chase underway
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
went fishing caught a bass
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
mom had nothing to worry about
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship