People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Discuss
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom