The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Doctors texting each other.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me irl
describing stardew valley
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.