I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I love it all
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Worth remembering.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey