Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Bros before Ohioes
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.