By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I love it all
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
No way!
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
we all know this pain all too well
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats