Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
How it started How it’s going
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt