robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
#JohnTravolta
I think this cat is broken
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies