According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away