So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You Might Also Like
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out