[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS