me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.