[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
i would wish you the best but i am the best
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Personal question. #JustSaying
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products