[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
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Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
This kid is going places
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️