Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!