greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
You Might Also Like
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers