Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.