*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
only 11 steps left
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay