Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.