They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
✌🏽
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us