If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry