[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You Might Also Like
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose