When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
You Might Also Like
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Sorry. Not sorry
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means