I have never related to anyone more.
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[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*