Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

no such thing as a dumb question

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

$4 #usedbooks

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit